Real Software Engineers Don't Code

(originally titled “Real Programmers”, the title has been changed to get with the times and protect the innocent)

• Real software engineers don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)

• Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.

• Real software engineers don't write the user interfaces, they merely argue over what they should look like.

• Real software engineers don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food since the hackers discovered it. Many real software engineers consider eating an implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the hackers, but only if they can have ice cream for desert.)

• If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive debugger, structure editor and extensive cross module type checking, real software engineers won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.

• Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.

• Real software engineers don't debug programs, they dynamically modify them. This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic to FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC.

• Real software engineers like C++'s OO constructs, but they are suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)

• Real software engineers play go. They have nothing against the concept of mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best left to programmers.

• Real software engineers admire JAVA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to implement. Most software engineers don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to JAVA.

• Real software engineers work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only time they can get the 100's of megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real work starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.) Real software engineers find it hard to share network servers when they are doing 'REAL' work.

• Real software engineers only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

• Real software engineers like planning their own environments to use animated graphics. Animation is great because no one can afford it, so their systems can be experimental.

• Real software engineers regret the existence of C/C++, PASCAL and LISP. JAVA is getting there, but it is still allows people to make mistakes.

• Real software engineers love the concept of users. Users are always real impressed by the stuff software engineers are talking about; it sure sounds better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.

• Real software engineers despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.

• Real software engineers love conventions. No one is expected to lug a super computer attached to a RAID to a convention, so no one will ever know how slow their systems run.